Days 206 & 207 He who holds my hand

Was out of town without my computer yesterday so could not do my posting.  Today I was very busy once I got home and have finally sat down to write a bit.

Hard to believe where I am with my vocational project.  It has gone far from where I originally thought it would be.  I say, it has morphed into something I hardly recognize.  All for the good.  I just keep moving with the plan and leave the rest to God.

Speaking of the rest....I try not to focus too much on my vocational situation but it does consume much of my daily thought.  I am glad to have time to spend in fellowship with Jesus too because I need Him so much right now.

Lord, it is nice to have time for You in my day now even though I wish I had it and a paying position at the same time.  I am trusting You in the invisible, unseen thing You are doing in my life.  I wish I had some insight into what all is happening behind the scenes but for now it is blind faith and trust.  Amen

Slowly, very slowly I make the beginning step of the new climb.  There are places I can't walk and I must use my arms and pull myself along.  It is scary and I don't know what is coming.  I have all faith, trust and confidence in the Lord to see me safely along.

I look to see what is transforming in my life now.  The biggest transformation is in the trusting, blind faith, I am exerting while moving along on this latest climb.  I can't see where I am going and the end of this maybe a few days away or could take weeks.  Either way going back is not an option and moving ahead is challenging because of the unseen, unknown which awaits.

But since I know who holds my hand and is guiding me I have my hope in what He is designing for me.  Together we can do anything.  It is a wonderful feeling.

Day 205 - The Best Twosome Ever

Today was another very good and productive day.  I was able to work at my eLearning modules as well as get some things done around the house.

I love it when I have time in the morning for my favorite twosome, prayer and praise.  I know I will be having a good day when I have time to devote to my worship.

I woke up really early due to being stiff and sore from too much decorating yesterday.  I could not get comfortable while I slept and decided to just go ahead and get up.  My joints in my fingers hurt so bad and I was thinking about how much more wonderful I will feel in about 10-20 more years.  Hahaha.

Lord, I love being able to praise and pray to begin my day.  It is what I know my spirit is craving. Like breakfast jump starts our metabolism this powerful twosome ignites my passion.  It allows me to concentrate on You and the goodness I have in my life because I am valuable to you.  It is the air in my lungs, the breath in my voice and the movement in my limbs.  Amen

So after spending two days on this summit I have been able to survey my surroundings.  I can see far below where I began this second ridge.  The journey was more challenging than it appeared at the start.  Above me are clouds and for as far as I can see the rock face and path disappear in them, again.  I know the going will be even more challenging but I feel a peace in continuing.  I am hopeful I will experience something even better on the top of this range once I find the peak.

Before leaving this place I take my camera and snap a few pictures of remembrance for when I get home.  Now there is a thought.  I have not even thought about home in these past many days.  I have been so lost in the experience of this journey, the broken areas God has traveled me through and the transforming places He continues to reveal.  Then is occurs to me, I am home.  Home is here with Him, always and forever.  My physical residence will be a place I return to in a few months but my living In Him is my true home.

Day 204 - Lots done

Well today was a day for getting lots done.

The day started with the annual mammogram, oh how we ladies love this, right?

The biggest task was finishing the Paris room for Nicole.  We had bought things at Christmas to transform her Princess girl room to a Paris teenage room.  It was the "big" gift and I finally got it done.  Curtains, check. Pillows, check.  Pictures hung, check.  New bedding, check.  Assorted trinkets to finish the decor, check.  It was a full day but the end result is great and she was so happy.

I also got to run a few errands and did a small bit of work too.  I can say it was a very successful and productive day.

I used most of the day to pray as I worked.  Still asking God to show me His plans and that I am on the right path.

Lord, I am so blessed in many ways.  I look to You for all that I need and for all You intend to bless me with for my family.  I will honor You with everything I am.  You know the desire of my heart.  Amen

After spending a whole day resting I knew it would be time to get going again.  I thought about it and then said, "No I think I am going to stay here a bit longer.  The peacefulness is beyond what I can articulate."

So I laid back and decided a full day praising and worshiping was the order of the day.  After all I wasn't in any hurry.  Rest, Rest.....Be still....It was, it was.

Day 203 - Rest sweet spirit

Today is Sunday and the day for rest.  I did exactly that.  I never nap in the afternoon but did today and for once it felt great.  Hope I sleep tonight.

I love Sundays because I get fed so well at my church and I always am eager at what I will come away with to help not only my walk but for others.

Today was the completion of a series on "Love Expressed."  Today sermon was "What is God's greatest desire?"  The answer, US!  He wants us, to be married to us, have us in close communion with Him and both of us in love with each other.  Worship is how we achieve this relationship.

Lord, I am so happy to worship you in song, prayer, fellowship, friends, etc.  May I never lose the fellowship I share so passionately with You and helping others find their way to You.  Amen

So as I continued to climb this mountain I felt my way with fingertips dug into the dirt in front of me.  Then it happened.  I felt a flat place and the more I reached forward the more area opened up before me.  I crawled onto what was a level summit.  There was even small vegetation and coolness in the spot of ground.  It was good to lie in the place with extremities outstretched.  I was able to really rest and look up as clouds swirled and the wind blew gently across my face.  It was a peaceful place and I was content to stay there for awhile.

So rest I did.  I decided to stay in this prone position for today and worship God.  His peace washed over me and made me feel closer to Him than I had ever been.  This was joy, unspeakable joy.

Day 202 - Climbing

Today was a great day to chat with my husband and we could discuss some of the things happening in our lives.  The biggest being how God is stretching our faith with our finances.  It is tough going and the hardest walk of faith I have ever done.

It would be easier for me to gravitate back to the work environment I know instead of continuing on an unknown path I am only hoping and dreaming will be fruitful.  It is hard knowing it could go either good or bad.

I have my confidence in God that He has led me to where I am, what I am doing and the outcome.  So I am going to continue to stay the course, give it all I have and be confident in the Lord.  He has not brought me to this place to watch me ruin.

Lord, I am sorry for ever having any doubt that You are with me and have the outcome of my journey in You hands.  I am staying committed to the plan and purposes designed and created for me to fulfill.  You know my heart and my desire to give out of all I am.  Amen

So going on the steepest portion yet I know there is absolutely no retreat and there is no idea where the end to this climb will be.  I could be a few steps from the peak or I could be hardly there.  Either way I have no choice now except to keep going higher.  I am and will not consider retreat.  I am fully engaged in God and His plan for me.  I simply agree to keep my life in His hands and wait, wait, wait for the peak, the summit, a place of leveling off, the place where I will see the provision of the Lord.

Each step now seems grueling but I know great things never "just" happen.  Transforming from a broken vessel with many issues to a person ready and eager to proclaim the greatness of God only happens through the fire of His love.  The fire that burns off the dross, the fire that eliminates impurities, the fire that ultimately make purest gold.  The most precious commodity known to man.

I will have a testimony to share when this journey is complete.  I will be His witness in the world.  Past blessings have laid a great foundation for my hope.  That foundation, that rock solid place is Jehovah and it doesn't get any better than this.

Day 201 - Keeping on kinda day

It was a keeping on kinda day for me today.  I spent some time chatting via text to my cousin who has gone through some rough days in the past month.  It was nice to reach out and give some encouragement.  Other than that not a lot to write about.  I am going to keep it brief.  I have some reading to do before bed.  Love you my readers.  Keep love in your heart and listening to the Lord.

Day 200 - In this moment

Today was a good day to get several things done.  I was able to finish more of the work project I am doing, got laundry done, spent some neat time with a old friend and am now at church while my daughter is in Kids Praise practice.  It is all good.  I couldn't even complain about the weather, it was 84 and my family and friends up north are in sub zero temps.

I started the day off with prayer and worship time along with a devotional reading.  Very important for me getting a grip on my stance with God at this moment in time.  I realize I am not in the beginning, laying a need before Him and I am definitely not at the end with the answer to prayer and walking in the abundant blessing.  Where I am is in the middle portion, staying the course, not really feeling or hearing Him, walking the faith and obedience walk, fully committed to finish the course and staying positive as best I can.

Lord, I am grateful for all You do for me.  I know You are with me each day even when I don't feel or hear You.  I am committed and going to use all my strength You provide me to keep on course.  I am tuning my heart to expectancy and I can't wait for the break through.  Until then I am devoted to You and moving one step at a time.  Amen

So kneeling in the path and then finding a rock to lean on I prayed.  I wept.  I found joy in the solitude of this place.  I have no sense of the Almighty but I know in my spirit He is here.  I look around but in the darkness I can see nothing so I close my eyes and rest my head.  I fall asleep dreaming of a majestic place where angels and choirs are singing, the Son is the shining light and there will never be darkness at all.

Soon I feel warmth on my face.  I open my eyes to the daylight and the warmth of the sun on me.  There are clouds around but it is a crisp cool morning and time to get up and get moving.

Before leaving here I thank God for seeing me through the dark of night and for His comfort and protection.  I am sold out to this journey.  I have given myself to every broken spot He has touched and to the transformation He is fashioning before my eyes.  I take Him at His Word and shout it out as a proclamation for the day.  It is going to be good, it is going to be great, it is going to be fantastic and I am happy I get to manifest what ever reflection of Jesus I can.  

Pushing onward the going is still very steep.  I have no idea when this climb will end, if there will be another place to rest or if I will encounter any more fearful occurrences.  But I know I can't go back, the only way is forward.  No matter how far I have yet to climb it will be worth it.  I have never had the Lord lead me where there wasn't something for me to stand in awe about.

So onward, upward, one foot then the other.  I regulate my breathing, the air is very dense and the altitude makes each step hard.  I am struggling to keep upright.  Even if I have to crawl I will keep moving.

Day 199 - Steeper Still

Well today turned out better about mid-day.  I will not lie, the morning was difficult.  I had my devotional and prayer time followed by some intense feelings.  I couldn't even put words to what I felt. It was hazy and depressing.  I was determined to push through though and continue working at what I had before me.

I was intent on not letting my feelings control my actions.  I was going to keep going despite the scream in my soul saying stop, give up, chunk it all.  I pushed aside the negative and immersed myself in praise and worship.  I let the sounds from my song purge the negativity.  After a brief running out to do some errands I returned to my work with new fervor.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to sing praises to You because today it is born out of a lostness, blurry and scary place.  It was more than a sacrifice it was desperation.  I love having You with me and not only holding me up but breathing into my spirit.  Amen

So as I moved upward it became increasingly darker. I had some regret, misery and anger arising.  I couldn't determine where it was coming from.  I thought about Matthew 4:1 where it states, "Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil."

I was not only in the clouds and the misty vapor around me making my vision blurry but it was becoming night.  The sun was gone and within a few minutes I could feel the darkness walling me in on all sides.  I could easily fall from this mountain if the next step was over the edge.  I didn't know what was ahead of me.

"Lead up by the Spirit" caused me to reflect on where I was.  This steep incline was not only challenging physically but presented another element, fear.  I knew fear was nothing the Lord was speaking to my heart but instead was the enemy trying to gain access.  I knew this was where my negative emotions were centered.  It was time to tackle them head-on, in this moment and in this place.

I slowly knelt down and saw the path was only as wide as my foot.  To both sides there were rocks, small and large.  There was no vegetation, not a twig or vine in sight.  I knew in this very moment there was nothing to do but continue the climb when the light of day reappeared.  Retreat was not an option.

For now though it is worship time.  I bowed my head and starting singing, loud and proud, I was going to worship the Lord God Almighty.  Then at day break it will be time to continue into the unknown knowing I have a power within me which will see me through and give me something to shout about.

Day 198 - It is Hard

It is a hard journey to find the purpose of the Lord in my life right now.  I am doing everything I know to do.  I decided to shift all focus onto the Lord and off of my current circumstances.  I need Him so desperately to show me what I should do.  There is this very ugliness of reality swarming my head and I can't seem to get above it.  I pray and worship the Lord with all I have and still I'm without real direction.  So I keep doing what I can and am expectant for the hand of the Lord show real soon.

Lord, I am pleading for help, direction, meaning.  Please Father show me where you are.  Amen

The climb is very steep and it is physically hard to put one foot in front of the other.  There is no going back down and I can't tell how much further I have till I get to level ground.  I am definitely in the clouds and all I can see is the next place to put my foot.  It is slow going and a struggle but I know the Lord is here.  I can't sense Him but it is just a knowing in my spirit.  I have to keep going!

Day 197 - Back on track

It has taken me a few days to try and get things in perspective.  I have been very uncertain to say the least this past week.  I, at first, thought it was an attack from the enemy to get me off course but I really think it was the Lord turning up the fire on my life to bring more dross to the surface.  In order for me to  walk into the destiny (purpose) God has for my life will mean He must make sure I have the correct focus and my will is in total agreement with His.

So I spent the last few days listening to some great sermons and praying.  I seem to be feeling a bit better knowing that keeping my focus on Him, reading and studying His Word and in constant communication will afford me the best chances of hearing and then being able to act as He desires.

Lord, I thank you for allowing me the time to concentrate on my walk with You.  I know how much I love you, am determined to be an instrument you can use to help others and want to be more sold out in all areas of my life.  I want to go the deepest I can in the river of healing and blessing, I want to free fall with only You as the net to catch me.  I want a relationship with You which keeps us tightly in each others arms, those arms of grace, mercy and love.  This is my desire.  Amen

So as I stood from the place of prayer I felt it was time to get going again on the path ahead of me.  I was hesitant to move until I had done one more thing.....re-commit my life and the value of it to help others.  I decided in order to finish this journey it will require my hands and footsteps to be ordered, walking in obedience to Him.  I am sure that there will be things He asks of me as I proceed and I want to be the nearest to His heart I can be.  I want to be so close I feel His heart beat and hear not only his voice but feel His breathing on my face.  I want to stay close enough I do not miss His kisses and those precious instructions to do whatever He asks.

So I place my pack on my back and set off.  I am in praise with each step and I am worshipping continually.

Day 194 - Too sad to write

Today was a full out and out attack.  I spent my day weepy.  I am taking a few days off to remodel my daughters room.  I will be back in a few days and hopefully able to talk about what is happening in my world.  Your prayers are appreciated.

Day 193 - Encouragement

Well today could have been a duplicate of yesterday.  I had a great day at the dental conference and met some  interesting  people who were encouragement for my endeavor.  It is good and helps keep me motivated and staying the course.  I am thrilled to know God has confirmed my path I just have to be steadfast in waiting to see His hand and everything it means for my future.

Lord, I love you and am trusting you in this waiting period.  Keep me strong in my spirit and know I am praising you continually.  Amen

So yes I am staying in the prayer posture but I think it won't be much longer.

Day 192 - Breakthrough a comin

I found myself today, while praying through the Lord's Prayer, taking a firm stand on "waiting in the stillness" for confirmation.  I seem to feel like my life is in a fog when it comes to getting a grip on where I am headed.  I am still putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I know to do, praying and then waiting, waiting.....more waiting.  I know it will serve to show me great things when I look back but I am not lying, it is a struggle in the quiet.

Lord, please bring me the confirmation and more wisdom on how to proceed.  I want to be found faithfully "waiting" while You work.  I know this is all part of the "transforming" You are doing in me.  I am trying so hard to be sure and confident but admit it is hard.  Help me Lord.  Amen

So the mountain can be beautiful and serene and it can also be lonely and scary.  I know if I wait here and keep praying God will do something wonderful.  So on my knees I stay, heading into day three.  A release or break through, I am sure is a comin', I just have to be determined and diligent in the waiting.

Day 191 - More Prayer

Got up early today for more prayer.  Yep it is a posture I still feel I am to do.  I will not be posting general daily activity till I get a release to resume activity.  I am doing everything in my day routine as I need to but I am using my prayer time to press in and listen and watch for the Lord.  It is a tentative time, kinda scary, but I am committed to following this thing through.

Lord, I really need you and need a sign from heaven as to me being on the right course.  Please provide what I need each day as I need it.  I am counting on you big time!  Amen

Day 190 - Praying through

It has been a long day of work.  It also started off early in prayer.  I am struggling today with disappointment over the wait and see about my vocation.  I have been working very hard but after six weeks with no pay check I am nervous and yet I know I have to stand firm in what I know God is doing.  I want very much to be obedient, not be anxious, believe, believe, believe.  I am just having one of those days.

Lord, I have prayed so hard and so sincerely to be faithful to your direction.  Help my worry.  Show me a sign which wil help keep me going in the right direction.  Amen

So after being in prayer I find it even more of a necessity to continue praying.  I know I will feel a release when I can stop but for now I must stay postured right here on my knees.

Day189 - Would you wrestle God?

Biblical stories fascinate me.  I find some of things the characters did were just a bit crazy.  They did things, I know being honest, I would not do or I would have to do a lot of thinking before I did.

Take the story our pastor preached today, Jacob and his encounters with The Lord.  I understand his passion in wrestling God was for his betterment but when I imagine the scene I cringe.  Think of it.  As I heard Jesse Duplantis say one time, "He was manhandling Jehovah, the Almighty, the King of the universe."  Gotta have some intense desire, but Jacob did of course.  Jacob like David had a passion to get approval and blessing from The Lord.  Thus the irratic behavior, the intensity, the throw all caution to the wind.  The result, God touched them both in mighty ways.

So I was thinking.  We have to be sold out, hungering, in passionate pursuit of God to get the ultimate touch we crave.  But are we craving?  Are we just going through our lives and not really that moved to be radically changed.  I must admit I can name only a few people in my life circle who are in a passionate race to touch the hem of His garment and not be satisfied until they have been permanently changed.

Lord, why is our pursuit so shallow?  What are we afraid of?  Help us all to want more, run the race expecting The Lord at all times in our lives.  May we find our burning bush or ladder to heaven.  Amen

As I sat by the fire I thought about all the people back home.  Going on this mountain journey is a lonely adventure but has been worth more than gold in the precious treasure healing has brought to me.  I think of that very healing in my soul and then I hear it, moans, sobs and I look to find the source.  I can't see anyone but I hear them clearly. Lots of different voices, all crying. I ask The Lord, "What, where, Lord help me find who is hurting?"

I close my eyes and in my spirit I hear the crying, louder still.  I feel an emotional pain.  I pray and soon feel The Lord impressing me to pray for all those who are hurting and feel they don't have the strength to lift a prayer, they are scared, they are uncertain, lost hope, and could easily give up.

I do.  I get on my knees and pray for the healing of The Lord to flood the spirit of the infirmed.  I sing praises to give them hope and restore joy.  I am determined to stay on my knees and "wrestle" The Lord here until I feel a release for the oppressed, sick, and dying.  I will use all that is within me to intercede.  I feel priviledged to stand in the gap.

Day 188 - Light in the Darkness

Yesterday Shelia Walsh's comment on Psalm 23, "walking through the valley of the shadow of death" and her insight about no shadow without a light to cast one, got me thinking.

When we are in the midst of horrible darkness, in one form or fashion, we seem to only sense the darkness.  We grope around without seeing, we feel overwhelmed by it, we allow it to permeate our being.  I did some soul searching about the darkest times in my life.  How long was I really in complete darkness or was there light and I just couldn't find it?  If I couldn't find it, why?

I say why because God is in us and He is only light and the brightest known in this world.  If that is true, and we know it is, than we can't be in total darkness.  There has to be a light somewhere.  Maybe it has to be activated.  Much like we have to turn on a switch in a dark room, once we do the light dispels the dark.

So then how do we "turn on" the light when we are in darkness?  I can tell you how I have done it.  Praise Him, glorify His name, be joyful.  I know you are thinking, "How can I do that in the midst of a storm so horrible I can hardly breathe?  During a time of severe pain or loss?  When my world is spinning out of control and my hope has hit rock bottom?"

Do it then, especially then.  Exactly then.  More then than ever.  The reason:  God is always with us and just waiting to be activated.  It is in our times of sacrificial praise, worship, acts of extreme faith He shows up in ways we could never imagine and do for us things we never could have dreamed possible.  He loves showing up and WOWing us.

Lord, I am so happy you are with me constantly.  I am never happy to go through valley experiences but I am thrilled You have been there for all of them.  I know in the future when times of testing, devastation, pain, and agony, You are my rock, my light source, my ever present help.  Amen

So as I wake from my nap I look around, night has fallen and I am a bit disoriented as to time of day. I feel fright and fear.  I struggle to find my watch in the darkness of my backpack.  I reach for the object, my flashlight, and turn on the switch.  Instantly I can see the contents of my bag and my surroundings.

I bow my head and thank God for His presence with me.  I am less fearful.  I look around for fire wood to build a greater light source, a means of warmth and protection from natures creatures of the night.   How amazing it is to be surrounded by the Lord in an unknown place, His love my light.  His light, provision for my journey.

The 'transformation' I am walking out is a slow one but the revelation is valuable for the future.  I think of a children's song I sang in Sunday School.  I grin as I lift my index finger to the night sky and point to heaven and all the stars twinkling overhead.  I sing, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine."  How true, how true.  Shine Jesus, shine in my life.

Day 187 - What do you have?

Today was a busy day but a good one.  The highlight of the day was going to hear Shelia Walsh speak to a womens group.  I have heard her multiple times at Women of Fatih but today was a smaller group and she was as good as ever.  I got several take-aways from her talk and the best one was:  What do you have.  She was talking about the miracle of the feeding of five thousand which appears in all of the Gospels.  Jesus had simply asked them, "What do you have?"

In other words we are only expected to use what we have and leave the sufficiency to God.  That is a freeing piece of information to anyone feeling like they have to do it all or make it all happen.  Once we truly know God is capable and stands ready to abundantly do more than we can ask or think if we just present, start with, what we have it will free us to be ourselves and keep our life and resources and experiences laid out before him.

Lord, it is incredible to be able to offer what little we have to You to use as You see fit.  I give you all of me today and ask as I am being 'transformed' You will be glorified.  Amen

So the climb is getting exhausting so I pull up some ground and sit a spell.  I loosen by boot laces and rest my head on my backpack.  I gaze at the sky and wonder how God can provide for all of us at the same time.  It is almost too much to wrap your head around.  But I am grateful He does.  I feel the exhaustion increasing so decide to take a nap.  Sleep, sweet sleep, and then it will be time to head onward.

Day 186 - Send a sign, Lord

So this morning was time for one of my three annual exams, the OB/Gyn.  No I am not pregnant, thank heavens.  It was an uneventful exam which was a good thing.  I feel so much better when I can getmy routine things checked off the list for another year.  One down and two more to go.

After getting home it was back to work at my computer putting more into the programs I have been developing for work.  I will be so happy when I can see the final product and better yet, people start enrolling.  I am trying very hard to stay hopeful and without anxiety.  But I'll be very frank, I have been about everything else, I am scared.  I want to see income starting.  I want to stand faithful on the Word of God that He will not let me falter or fail.  I am doing all I know to do and need God more now than ever.  I pray every day for Him to show up in a powerful way.  Without Him I will fail and that is not an option.

Lord, help me to stay grounded in what You have spoken.  Keep my eyes from venturing into things of the past, attempting to help You out.  I am holding tightly to You and need a sign, a piece of hope to show me things are headed in the right direction.  Amen

So while climbing higher and higher I feel a bit uncertain as to where this path is headed.  I am counting on God it is headed to the correct destination.  I am too far into it to turn and try another path.  I heard The Lord say go here so I am being obedient.  I now need Him to show up.  I need a sign.  Confirmation.  Please Lord help my belief to grow stronger.

The air is getting thin and my mind is racing.  I could always slow down but that would delay my getting to the end.  So instead I keep forging ahead.  I am on the watch for a burning bush, a cloud like a pillar, an angel to visit me.  Something, anything.  Please.

Day 185 - Change your thinkin

Tonight was the last evening of the F1RST conference at our chruch and Andy Andrews was the speaker.  He is something to see and hear.  His message in brief was, "in order to allow God to do those new and great things in our life we must first have our thinking mentality in line with blessing."  We need to believe we are who God says we are.  We need to quit talking as if we are unworthy to receive and start telling oursleves who God says we are.  Then the blessings will overtake us.  Who is ready?

Lord, I honor you as the savior of my soul and the provider for all that I need.  I am so grateful you love me enough to hold the promises you have for me unti I get my mind in harmony with You.  Amen

So as I keep on trucking it is very apparent in order for God to be transformation in my life I must begin it for myself.  The best way I know to do that is to speak God's words over me, the Who I am in Christ. Then it will be easier to accept the blessings when they start rolling in.

Day 184 - Waaaa

Ever have one of those days when you just want to be weepy.  Well today was one for me.  Nothing in particular making me sad, just feeling a bit left out.  Resigned to a life I never saw coming but is all the same.

Now don't get me wrong, I am blessed and have really nothing to complain about.  But there are those days when everything is going right and yet you just feel life is lacking something.  I am not going to get super spiritual because I told you this blog was the real me, the good and the ugly and even some bad in there when I find it worthwhile to blog about it.  Today you, my reader, are going to think I am bad.

It started out as a very good morning.  My husband off to attend the early morning prayer at our church and me at home because, well someone has to stay home with the daughter.  Then after watching the live streaming event on my iPad and having my own personal time of praise and prayer I went to wake up the daughter for school.  She is sick with a slight fever and obviously can't go to school.  Now being a stay-at-home employee right now it was at least nice I did not have to cancel a day of work.  But never-the-less it was an inconvenience.  Not near as much if it were tomorrow or Thursday because she has evening theatre and vocal classes which are just starting.

Home on the coach with medicine and plenty of fluids and chicken soup she is coughing and hacking, congestion and mucus, yuk!  But it got me thinking and I think this is where I went bad wrong.  My husband and I would not change a thing about adopting Nicole.  After all she is our granddaughter and when in a desperate situation it is what I think most loving caring people would do.  The bad thing is my husband and I are not going to be able to know what it is like to enjoy the benefits of people our age.  The ones retiring, moving into senior condominium living to ease the days of slaving around doing yard work and such.  We also have to be concerned our health stays vibrant, our mental faculties are acute and precise cause we have homework to monitor, projects to help with, places to shuttle her, friends to have for overnights, etc.  It can get exhausting and even more so because we are not 20 or 30 something.

So much for my bad pity party.  I confess today I was weepy for the golden years we are watching slide by while we do the rat race like all our children who have children.  God I love you and please forgive my indulgence of regret.

Lord, please help me to be focused on You so much that the things of this world mean nothing.  May my life be a blessing to my family first and then my friends.  Amen

So trucking on up I realize this climbing stuff is really hard on a getting older gal like me.  But stop?  No way.  I gotta get to the prize.  I have to stay the course and finish the race to the best of my ability.

Day 183 - Angels Departing

Good service tonight at church during the FIRST Conference.  The message contained a key phrase "living after the angels depart."  Meaning simply there is life to be lived after a supernatural encounter or a huge blessing.  We have to live in the space between one miraculous event and another.  Too many people live only waiting for that next special momnet, the Word, the writing in the sky.  If one of these events never happen they miss out on living the life God set out for before the world existed.

Lord, I am grateful for the miraculous events you have shown to me.  I will never forget them.  I am happy to be living my life and only seek to make sure I am doing so to the fullest.  I desire to touch those people you have designed for me to meet.  Help me to never miss something You are orchestrating.   Amen

So part of living is stepping and keeping one foot in front of the other.  I am pleased to know God has great things in my future but for now it is all about the journey, day to day, moment by moment.  I'm in no rush.  It will make the vantage point to which I'll arrive all the more special.  Right, left, right....here I go.

Day 182 - Fast FIRST

I love blogging on Sundays because I'm so full of inspirational ideas after attending church.  There has not been one Sunday since we began at Gateway Church in July for which I have not left to come home full and hungry for more.  I have always felt a deeper desire to use my "take-aways"  and put them to work in my life.

So today is the beginning of our FIRST conference as well as a start of a 21-day fast.  After hearing the message today I reflected on what The Lord was saying to me and how to fast?  Here is what I felt was my direction for the next few weeks:

Be purposefully driven, fear nothing God has spoken and walk with God, not ahead, not behind.
I am going to fast both in a physical and spiritual direction.  I am going to fast from sugar and dessert items while filling mself with increased deliberate prayer and listening more.  Both areas will allow me to be disciplined and improve.

To this end I am going to blog here, as a method of "transforming", everything I feel, hear, and act upon.  I hope to share with each of you my readers something which will help get your New Year off to a great start and keep it moving forward with hope, joy, peace and most of all love.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to be very open and share with my readers not only what you have for me but also what you can give each of them through me.  Amen

So as I move further along the path I am very careful to be more and more observant.  Paying close attention to hearing everything God is saying in my ears, heart, eyes and Spirit and disciplined to act on direction in trust without questioning His voice.  

I can't get the image out of my mind of the emerald colored new growth I found under the ugly debris on my path yesterday,  If I had not stopped, stooped to wipe away the ground cover, I would never have seen what was beginning to grow.  LIFE in brillant color.

My LIFE this year is the same.  I am wiping away the ugly 'brokenness" of my last year and years past so I can focus on the vibrant, fresh, tender newness God is fashioning and has in store for me since I was created.  The best FIRST start I can give Him is to do what I heard as a "take-away" from Pastor Jack Hayford today.

Trust and Obey--tune to His voice and keep tied in with His Word.  I need to be accountable for where God has me now at this stage of my life.  Through His fruit I will grow in joy and strength so I can grow more being productive as my life flows.  Then I can sow His fruit, others will grow in joy and strength along with me.  Relationships will be blessed.  The cylce will continue.

So I fillet my heart before The Lord to move in and through me.  Nothing hidden nothing harbored, everything open for the Master to massage and mold.  Gentle and smooth though fingers which cradle my dreams, with the voice which speaks hope and washed with the tears we have shed together.

I will count it ALL joy and be content come what may.  Stay tuned I have a feeling this next panaramic vista I'm marching toward is going to grasp the breathe away and leave us all in worshipful praise and awe.

Day 181 - Opening a window, wide open

The saying goes, "For every door that closes, God opens a window."  In my case yesterday it was a huge open window.

I have been busy formulating a program for my new work venture and so excited to get it rolled out.  I was not expecting to get a voice message from a professional association I highly respect essentially snubbing me, politely I might say.  Names shall remain anonymous because I am still trying to work with them.  The main point is it was unprofessional how the situation was initially handled and it caused me to think and pray harder.  The outcome has been an even more exciting prospect solution.

Lord, I want to thank you for immediately speaking to my Spirit encouragement and hope instead of allowing fear and frustration to be in charge.  I also thank you for inviting the new possibilities which will be far better than what was originally planned.  Amen

So looking over this very dark and ugly place I noticed fear in me.  I did not know why.  I asked the Lord for help in understanding.  He was good to remind me about the new beauty which grows from the ashes of ugly places.  I knelt down and brushed some of the debris from a patch of ground and there is was; small springs of emerald green.  There was new life of nature growing and about to take form.  It was all the hope I needed to get up and keep moving.  Ugly parts of life or not, God is growing beauty beneath the surface.

Day 179 & 180 - Double Days

It was a total mind mistake to miss writing yesterday but so much is going on truth is, I forgot.  Seems hard to believe after 178 days I could forget my blog but I'm human and it happened.  But never-the-less I am here now.

The New Year is always full of well intentioned resolutions.  We are going to change this, restart that, move here, act now, finally accomplish whatever.  Then reality hits when we don't hit the mark, we stumble, we get tripped up, even think we fail.  It is a terrible roller coaster and I don't know why people do it to themselves.  The constant up and down and up and down can make you more than queasy or light headed.  Like your blood sugar these ebbs and flows, highs and lows can be very dangerous.

With resolution bubbles bursting as fast as New Year's Eve champagne the average person is left in a slump, near depressed and feeling pretty crappy about themselves over something they brought on. Kinda like waking up hung over from too much bubbly.  No sippy, no sicky.

My answer is simple:     Never make a resolution list and never drink alcohol.

You never feel bad about breaking a promise to yourself and you are money ahead for having not bought the alcohol or missed work due to "the flu."

Of course you say....NEVER, that seems a bit harsh, don't ya think?  Well depends on you.  Absentince for some is always better than moderation.  The former assures a guaranteed result and the later is permission to modify if you "feel" like it.  Funny thing is I never, well almost never, see anyone modify moderation to less it usually becomes more.

Lord, thank you for allowing us in our humanness to have Your forgiveness, joy and grace that are new every morning and also throughout the day, and peace.  For me I choose to live each day to the best I can and let the rest take care of itself.  Amen

So walking further up the path I have been thrilled at all the beauty and even some ugly places.  I have been concentrating more on the ugly patches for not only how they look now but trying to imagine what they were and then of course picturing what they will become.  All the devestating places are change, a transformation from something to something else.  Kinda like going from bangs to no bangs, the growing out, transformation phase is pretty ugly.  But it is a phase which must be accomplished for an end result you want. 

So my own transformation is taking shape professionally, physically and emotionally.  I don't have a list to stick to and check off.  I don't have a time frame or deadlines.  I almost don't even have a game plan.  It is all fluid and totally in God's hands.  Lord I await Your next instruction because it's kinda ugly around here right now.

Day 178 - On I Go

Today I felt about 60% better so I could get some errands run.  However, I can tell I am still fighting some of the remnants of this cold.  Before I get my day started I had a time of prayer.  I had to admit to the Lord I was anxious and trying hard not to be.

Lord, Please help me when I am struggling with seeing how You are working in my life.  I am totally relying on You to be huge for me and I want to be unwavering.  Help me when I doubt and get anxious.  Amen

So as I keep climbing I am doing so very cautiously.  I am keen to watch for deviations and nuggets along the way.  I want to see the Lord in the big things and also in the very tiny.  Right now I will take a bit of encouragement as a great sign.  I need to see where the Lord is moving so I can follow.

Day 177 - New Start

Having spent the last two days so sick I could hardly function and today not much better I found myself contemplating the New Year and all things new.  Going into January 2013 I am needing my focus to be different than it has ever been.  For that reason I have chosen to abandon "Broken" in favor of "Transform."

I have learned a lot in the last 176 days about how "broken" has affected my life and most importantly that I really am "broken no more."  I have blogged about some huge "broken" areas in my past and how The Lord has dealt with me and or the situation to bring about the result He intended.  I now want to move forward, refocused and purposeful into what He has for me.

Transform, completely change, is a good descriptor of what is needed for me this year.  I have a new job and my success depends on God.  I have to lean on, trust in and rely completely in Him and not myself.  I have to be willing to do what I hear Him tell me and trust in an unseen, unknown outcome. I have been stretched and am being challenged to do what I can and leave the rest to HIm.  It isn't easy.  My ability to "transform" my thinking, actions and behavior will be reflected in how this year proceeds.

So continue the journey with me as I commit my ways to Him and lean not to my own understanding.  It is going to get dicey, could be scary and thrilling, but most of all ought to be an adventure.

Lord, I begin 2013 sold out to You.  I have taken a plunge and know my sinking or swimming depends on You.  I am doing what I hear You say.  I will start this first month with not only a personal fasting but joining my church family in a time of corporate honoring.  Speak, lead, teach and strengthen me Lord.  Amen

So the mountain hike has proven harder than I thought.  I spent three days resting and drinking water and eating nuts and berries.  Feeling a change I will set off in the morning looking at the journey in a different way.  I will be on the lookout for direction even if it leads somewhere I don't know or would not have tried.  I have a renewed focus on The Lord and am "transformed" in my soul.  It is the Spirit of the living God who will take me from here.