Well today was the day to come to terms with a broken area of mine and an area of transformation only God can fix. It has everything to do with a root of fear & regret.
For many people younger than myself this maybe a topic you have yet to explore mentally. The reason, you still have years at your disposal to do what you want, change career paths, reach for new heights, be all you can be and then some.
Living in transition and then in dismay over what you wish you would have done, could have been, wanted to do can leave a person feeling blah......
Today was a blah...... day for me. Although I have an impressive resume from over thirty years in my career there is still a void in my life. I love that I have done so much in my career and even though I stand on the verge of something even more challenging I do have moments of wondering just how it is all going to play out. The success I have will be totally dependent on God blessing this newest journey, the culmination of a thirty year career, a way of giving back to those coming behind me. It is scary, requires a ton of work and is a faith walk like I have never done before.
But in my quiet time this week I have been struggling with feeling over-the-hill, out of youthful drive and well just blah.... I think it is because I am longing for something more in my spiritual life.
Although I do have about forty years believing in Jesus, living a life committed to the kingdom, have established a prayer life and seen miracles only God could perform in my life, there is a part of me that has yet to develop spiritual richness. It has led me to blah..... I think this is why I am unsettled, still seeking something to fulfill, wondering if there is time left for me to make a difference. Will there be anything I can offer at my age and who will want or value it once I develop the inner richness my spirit is hungering for.
For this reason I am going to enter a time of spiritual retreat. Once I have "transformed" I will be back to the blog. I am no longer satisfied with just going through the motions, writing about trivial daily routines. I want God to do a real work in my spirit. I am going to be back to this blog when I have some meaningful information and insight to share with you, my readers.
I thank you in advance for your prayers.
Lord, I thank you for my faithful readers who have followed me for these past 208 days. I now want to experience something which will not only be impactful for my walk but also for me to share in this years journey with those following my blog. Bless each of them and may we all find our purpose and meaning for living in the Cross and know we have in fact been everything You fashioned us to be at our conception. I leave my life in Your hands Almighty God and everything You desire for me I am determined to experience. It is my broken and transforming journey taken to a whole new level. Amen
So as I drag myself a bit further up this steep climb there is a break in the clouds. I can see I have reached yet another plateau. I strain to get my whole body up to this level place. I am winded, exhausted and slightly depressed. My journey which started out so full of anticipation and excitement is becoming a laborious event and the purpose a mystery. I am trying very hard to stay motivated and yet I have come so far there is no other way except forward. Going back is not an option.
So while I sit resting on this mountain I bow my head and pray. I find there is more I need before I can continue. I decide this is the place I will build an altar. I'll stay here till I feel an increase in His presence and a purposeful plan. I can sense a stirring in my spirit and I don't want to move. I want to draw as much from God as I can in this place. I know it will be vital for the rest of my journey.
I place my belongings aside and yield all of me to the process of diving deeper into prayer. For as long as it takes I will stay right here. There is nothing I want more than everything God has in store. He has brought me safely here to this place and I will rest in His love for me while I seek a deep walk.
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