Day 54 - Offering #3, the best for last

Well a great nights sleep was wonderful.  I can think clearer.  I also have some great stuff to share.  Sit back and enjoy.

Yesterday while flying to south Texas I had time to do two favorite things, read and pray.  As I mentioned I am reading, "The Blessed Church, by Robert Morris pastor of Gateway Church and where Ken and I are attending and soon to join.  I had mentioned in a previous blog that my husband bought me the book and it began impacting me very early into the first few pages.  The book I thought was only about the history of Gateway.  However that is part, the deeper message is for everyone.  There are life principles for the individual and applications for the work arena. Well it has not disappointed one bit.  I am still not halfway done but have already had to close the book several times and pray over the rich treasures, one of which I will share in a minute.

But as I closed my eyes, the plane making a descent into the McAllen airport, I heard myself praying in the Spirit and a phrase I repeated rung in my ears.  It was so forceful that I almost audibly said it.  I'm sure my fellow plane mates would have thought me a bit weird.

After a full day of work as I waited to re-board a flight home I used Google translator to try and determine what I was praying that morning.  Ta kishe mon, translated - Embrace my church!  Wow, I was awed.

I praise God that my spirit recognizes how much I love people, long to encourage, minister out of my pain and use everything to His glory.  I take all those things the enemy thought would destroy and beat me down as tools to reach others that are hurting, wounded, and in shame to prove that there is a God and He is our all in all.

I got on the plane, had extra seat space around me to enjoy, got out my dinner and book to enjoy on the flight home.  I began to read and had to stop again after chapter twelve, the Feed and Lead chapter.  How many times have I read the conversation between Peter and Jesus from the twenty-first chapter of John.  Jesus is asking Peter, "Do you love me? Then feed my sheep."  He asks it three times. (Strange isn't it that later Peter, three times, denies knowing his friend Jesus)  Peter answers each time, "Yes I love you."  Well I had never done a word study on feed and tend but how it is explained here is rich truth for this mature believer.  I then cried knowing that before I read this chapter, earlier that morning I was praying "Embrace my church."

I guess you would have to have been me in that moment to get the full impact of what this meant but it helped me see this blog on 'broken' as not only healing for me but for the church, the unchurched.....PEOPLE.  Wow! No matter if my audience is one or many I am humbled at the opportunity to lay my life down before you, my readers, knowing that everyone will be blessed.

Lord, I submit my life to You.  I have promised to be the real me in this blog for the world to read.  I know you will draw the people who are to be on this journey with me to this place.  I give them and myself into Your mighty hands and ask that everything I say and do bring honor to You.  Amen

So back to my mountain trek and when last we were together we were having a bonfire.  I had offered up my critical nature, my anxiousness and now for offering #3, the best for last.  My impatience.  I ask God to help me be more long suffering especially with those closest to me.  As I stand to purge this sin on the fire I ask God to forgive me for being "short" with people at times.  May the nature of Christ fill me so I can be a blessing.

With that one burning to ash I bow in reverence waiting to feel the Spirit of God wash over me.  In a very small, small way I think of what it must have felt like as Moses left the mountain after the glory of God visited him.  You can't leave the same.  You are speechless.  But above all you know that power has been transferred and you are a better vessel for God to use.

I gather up my satchel and wait as the fire begins to die down.  As soon as the embers are cold it will be time to trek on.  Great things are coming.

Day 53 - Too Little Sleep

Well friends as I write this I have been up twenty hours, traveled on three plane flights, driven over sixty miles and worked seven hours.  I am exhausted and I fear anything I write at this point will be incoherent.  So for sake of not just rambling and writing to 'get a post done' I am going to defer to my bed for a long nights sleep with the promise of a great blog tomorrow.

Be blessed because the Lord tells us in the Word to be still and know He is God.  Sometimes we need the stilness to hear clearer.  Sometimes we need the stillness to re energize.  I need the stillness to rest fully.

Lord I thank you for your protection over me today and for a good nights rest.  Amen

Until tomorrow, keep the fire burning, another offering awaits in the morning.

Day 52 - More tilling of the Heart

So yesterday we started a bonfire.  We looked into our hearts in a desire to till out the bad and make the soil ready to be planted again.  This time our new crop will flourish with the growth the Lord intends to make us ready to testify of His goodness and reach people who are without hope, have no joy, lack peace.

So watching my "critical" habits burn I sought the Lord for what else there might be that needs purified.    Yep, more and the next was a huge one.  Anxiousness.

Okay, please tell me someone in my reading audience has been anxious, is anxious or will be anxious soon?   Let me know I am not the only one who worships God and sings praises but yet struggles with this?

I will admit for all the joy I have and the trust in the Lord I profess and the constant hope I lean on daily I still get anxious.  Why?!?  There are ample Bible passages that address "being anxious for nothing" yet it plaques me.  Even as I write this I am anxious for a business trip I am taking tomorrow.  I love to fly, have secretly desired to be a flight attendant as my dream job, but the thought of leaving home and being away sends mild panic and anxious feelings into my body.

I was reading today in 1 Peter 3:4 today and it spoke to me. I'll quote it from the amplified Bible, "But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is not anxious or wrought up, but is very precious in the sight of God."  Wow!

Lord I submit to you that my anxious nature is crippling my walk.  I ask for the Holy Spirit to wash over and remove the root of this problem.  Help my readers who struggle in this area to be renewed so that the vacant place where anxiousness used to reside can be more good ground for the seeds of the Fruit of the Spirit.  Amen

So I guess I'm going to sit a spell here at the fires edge and make my offerings into the inferno.  I am determined to walk away from this place, give it a name for where I left my hearts issues born from error, as a new person with a heart postured for service to the King who resides there.  Then the healing portion of the 'broken' journey can really begin from a basis of health.

Day 51 - Growing

I am in the process of reading a book my Pastor wrote and recommended.  I'll be honest, as I am in this blog anyway, the title did not make me want to rush and buy.  Since I love to read, and boy has that been a miracle since I was a child and a whole other story, I asked my husband to purchase it for me.  I have not gotten very far into the pages but have already targeted many key points worth spending time in prayer.  The one especially playng over in my mind so far is this, "embrace growth but pursue health."  (Taken from the book, The Blessed Church by Robert Morris)

Not only is this a spiritual principal but a law of nature.  Unhealthy things don't grow.  They may begin but ultimately can't continue.  So looking to improve and maintain health is critical for real growth.  I saw this 'broken' journey in a whole new light.  In order for God to heal, repair, renew, and grow me I must first be healthy.  For me that means getting my heart furtile, removing anything that doesn't speak vibrance to my Spirit.

How about you?  Are there things in your heart that you know are contrary to health?  Have you failed to tend to the soil?  Is it time to set the plow to work and get the ground rich in nutrients - love, peace, kindness, gentleness, etc.? 

I know for me I can think of a few right away that lurk there. The first one that comes to my mind is a critical eye.  I really never thought it mattered whethered it was totally gone. I have the tendency to be more critical of people and situations than I should.  My perfectionist personality drives me to be better, attain more, strive higher while at the same time I am critical of situations and people that seem "lazy."  Ouch!  Reality confession looks really bad when you have to put it out on paper and the internet blog.

Lord, please forgive me.  Take the force behind my unhealthy heart and show me how to cultivate a new soil.  Help me to be rid of those negative and unhealthy attitudes.  Holy Spirit reval to my readers unhealthy portions of their heart. As we see things in our lives that are sapping life, help to restore health.  We want to grow but we don't want a harvest of pain, agony, disappointment.  Amen

Sitting at the fires edge I can imagine my unhealthy issues being tossed into the flame.  It is there that once consumed I am ready to start fresh.  Jesus gives us do overs and am I ever grateful.  His love is right here in this moment showing me and you what needs to go.  I am excited that in His timing I was able to fan the flame in preparation for the offering.  God you are so good!  Join me and let's have a bonfire.

Day 50 - More of You, Jesus

I have enjoyed these few precious days with my new friends from Italy.  It has been fun to learn about each other, the different cultures, the mild language barriers and beautiful similarities.  But one thing is the same for us, the love of Jesus and wanting more and more of Him.

When I look back at the many 'broken' places in my life I praise God for the journey I am on now.  I know that there is more freedom I have yet to experience.  But every experience, like anything of worth, comes with a price.

Tonight we were talking about how the experiences of our life is what brings more of God's revelation.  Those experiences can be pleasant and good or they can be hardships.  But either way we usually don't get a forewarning that we are about to have an experience.  How we go through it says something about our character.  How we respond and use what we learned is our testimony of God and His power.  Since we are relational beings our whole life is built on experiences and they were meant to be shared.

Take a look at your life.  Can you see the experiences that have been allowed into your life?  Can you testify to how you came through?  Have you offered them to God as a means of service to your fellow man?  Are you committed to allowing God the free reign to control your life forever?

Lord, please help us grow from all of our experiences.  As we take an inventory of the circumstances we have found ourself in help us see how we grew stronger, gained knowledge, developed a passion or  opened our heart of compassion for others.  Make us Your instruments.  May our lives be a symphony with You as our conductor.  Amen

So traveling along the mountainside I come to a burned out campfire.  The wood is ashen and I know that the fire has only recently been snuffed out.  I walk to the edge of the pit and kneel down.  As I move my hand above the logs I see a flicker deep inside the middle log.  I lean forward and blow gently in the direction of the small glowing ember.  Gradually I see a fire begin again.  As I reach to put some twigs atop the blackened wood I watch as the flame grows bigger.  I bow my head and praise God.  I praise Him for searching my heart when I am weary looking for that small spark.  He then takes His hand and encircles my heart while His Spirit gently blows life-giving power.  Then He gives me an experience to face so the flame can burn again.

I thank God that on another mountain Moses approached a burning bush and brought forth the commandments that have shaped all of our lives.  May my heart always know consuming passion for Jesus and my life constantly reflect that flame like a beacon for others.

Day 49 - Application of the Word

I love Sundays.  It is a time when I can begin my day with the Body of Christ.  We gather together and experience corporate praise and worship, a teaching from the Word and then a time for prayer.  Today was another great day in the Lord's house.  But what happens Monday-Saturday?  How do we apply the Word to our day to day life?  Or do we at all?  Do we hoard it to ourselves, thinking it will do a work in us and never share it with others?

In my work life I teach software to dental offices.  One way I know that a person has learned what I have presented is for them to demonstrate the application of the principals.  If they can I know that they will be successful and not get frustrated.  If however, they can't then we have to demonstrate the technique again.  It really has alot to do with how engaged the people are when I am teaching them.

Similar with the Word of God.  We can hear a great message, but it will all be for naught unless we apply what we learn in our day to day life and share with another.  It is all about taking the Sunday and making it Monday through Saturday.  Look for ways to be Christ extended to others.  It isn't difficult but it does take time and energy.  It means we have to be unselfish.  We must look to see where God has placed us, who God has placed around us and then what does God say to do?  The reward is satisfaction and blessing.

Lord, we are a people that can get very busy and fail to spend as much time as we would like in communication with you.  Show us how to apply Your Word to not only ourselves but also to others. Help us take the life giving Word and use it daily.  May we experience the power, tansformation and love you so freely gave.  Amen

Standing on the cliff and admiring the beauty of nature is cool but even better is touching lives with the power of God and watching lives change.  It is being a part of the glorious manifestaiton that we will see when we are actively involved and not just spectators.  It allows us to see the 'broken' mended and restored.  It is time to get on down the path and give out while I'm being given to.

Day 48 - Visitors

Little did I know yesterday that our visitors from Italy, we picked up at camp today, would bless us incredibly.  Yesterday I mentioned the people in our lives and the divine appointments that many of them are as God is pouring out to us.  Because we are relational beings and not meant to travel this earth alone, we must view people we meet and interact with as precious. 

Our guests have been a huge extension of Christ and it is only our first day with them. During our home group this evening it was refreshing to hear them speak so passionately about the Word of God.  It carries power.  It is alive.  It sets people free.  Amen and Hallelujah!  We all need to be reminded that reading the Word is not like reading any other book.  We must remember God spoke from beginning to end and everything we need is in there.

Lord, I am so thankful that I have the Word and I can freely read anytime I want.  You gave us Your essence and it is there for us to use.  Praise God for the active Word if we will just put it to work.  Amen

So as I move along the path I come to an overlook area where I see the beauty of Gods nature before me.  I find voice in me that just had to exalt the Lord and I do so from the depth of my spirit.  I am amazed at creation in every form.  Sacred and Holy is the LORD!

Day 47 - People in our Lives

I had a full day today.  I was visiting with a client who I discovered while doing a internet search about speakers.  I came across a website that listed various speakers in my profession.  I had told my boss that this year my focus was on achieveing another profession designation.  Next year I wanted to improve my speaker platform so I could be used for seminars and conventions.  When I found a person in my backyard, literally within 10 miles of my house, who was a speaker I decided I would pop by his office and introduce myself, ask for any indeas or suggestions that could help me as I proceeded to tackle these two goals.

Arriving at his office I was met by his wife that works with him.  He was not there but I introduced myself and the reason for my drive by visit.  She mentioned she would tell him and I left not really sure if I'd hear from him or not.  When he did contact me we visited about several things.  He mentioned how he had been trying to meet my boss for some time.  He wondered if I could arrange a meeting.  I was able to arrange a time and my boss invited him to come to the office and speak at the next meeting of all our staff.  It just happened that he also agreed to be the first guest speaker at a new study club I was forming at my office.

I say all that to say this, how often do you consider the people in your life?  How much attention do you give to who is in your close circle of influence? Are they acquaintances or are they there for a very specific reason?  I believe that people don't just happen in our lives.  I believe in divine appointments.  If we take better care to evaluate why for those around us I think we can see paths of purpose. I ask God to help me extract wisdom and/or revelation from those that seem to "just happen."

Lord, help my readers to seek out your plans and purposes for the people in their lives.  If they are unsure what a person has to offer them, give them insight.  I thank you for bringing people into our lives at the appropraite time and place to effect in us what You fashion.  Amen

So journeying on I am watching to see if I encounter people and what their role is for me.  Are they a helper?  Are they a motivator?  Are they an encourager?  Am I something to them?  I have no doubt that as God brings healing to me in all the areas of my past life He is going to reveal the why of a specific person in my life at a specifc time.  Wow!  God is so good.

Day 46 - Move On

So yesterday I mentioned that it was time to sit a while and relax into God.  I did but also heard in my Spirit that the battle is never won "sitting."  There must be movement, forward is best, in order to lay hold of anything.  So I determined that as easy as it would be to sit and relax I needed to get moving again.

Let me ask the question, "Have you ever felt like you were just putting one foot in front of the other?  You really didn't have a sensing one way or the other as to what you are supposed to do?  Does the not knowing sometimes hinder you and make you question in your mind?"  Well then I know I'm not alone.  It seems that the more difficulty I face the harder it is to know what to do.  This is why I stopped to rest and relax.

But then it dawned on me when I stop moving I am in essence halting progress.  That may seem like a "well, duh!" kind of statement but it is as real as a physical manifestation.  If you stop an activity, you have to sometimes work harder to get it going again.  I felt this is was happening when I was stopped to relax. Was I real close to a break through part of my healing? I had not heard the Lord tell me to relax so I guess I was intended to press on, persevere, keep moving and watch to see what happens.

Lord, I am going to get going and keep going.  Unless I know it is You asking me to slow or stop I am going to push on through the tight places, keeping my confidence in You to show me the way and the truth along the way.  Amen

So I got up, put my boots back on and set out.  I know the journey will be long with much left to work through but I need to keep forward progress going when the steps get tough.  I need to dig in and watch what God reveals in the process.  I am eager to be healed and will do my part in keeping on when I want to stop for awhile.  I trust God to give me rest when I need it.

Day 45 - Who will listen?

So when I left you yesterday I was in a overwhelmed state.  My day had been filled with obstacles coming at me from many different directions.  I was determined to not do what I normally do and fix them all myself.  I found that for the most part I am helpless to fix most of the issues.  So I went to prayer.

I wish I could say that prayer made it all better and today the sun was shining, all well with the world.  Not the case.  Today had some additional troubles and I was no further at getting a grip on yesterdays.  So I determined that I was going to praise God anyway and carry on.

Due to the people involved I am not at liberty to write about what has happened but it did make me pause and ask myself who will listen.  I know God hears my prayers but in the natural we all need a ear we can bend.  Do you have such a person in your life?  I find many people have no one they can talk to.  Let's face it sometimes it has to be someone other than our best friend or spouse.

So I pondered who I could call.  It had to be someone I trusted.  They had to be grounded in the faith.  They needed to be impartial.  It would help if they had the gift of encouragement.  My list was shrinking.  You know who I called?  No one.  That should never be.

Lord, please help me and my readers to find the special people in our lives that can help, listen, advise, just be.  We are relational creatures and like the saying goes, "no man is an island."  Bring connectivity to all of us with those that need someone and those that need to be for someone.  Amen

So for now I'm sitting here on this cleft edge.  It is time to relax into God.  I need to feel the Holy Spirit breathe over me.  I need to be filled with power.  I am going to watch God move in the situations I find myself.  Praise you Lord for goodness, mercy and most of all LOVE.

Day 44 - In like a Flood

Wow, that is about all I can muster today.  I should have known yesterday that when you get to a point where you have made a decision for God to be in control that something will come up to challenge that stance.  Today it happened on four different levels.  It is now late and I am exhausted.

I wish I could say, "Here is what happened."  But not the case.  I haven't even begun to process it all.

So my blog ends here tonight.  I have to spend more time in prayer.  I know God will give me the words to articulate what He is doing in and through me but I have nothing right now.  Just keeping it real because that is what I promised you, my readers.

So it is off to prayer, I know you all will understand.

Lord, bless my readers.  Even if there is only one reading tonight, bless them.  I know you are in control especially now.  I go to spend time in prayer and ask for your comfort and wisdom to wash over my readers and myself.  Amen

No trekking up the mountain today.  It is time to sit on the cleft of the rock, for awhile.

Day 43 - Holiness

While continuing in the reflection from yesterday's blog about removing your shoes I decided to do it.  I took them off and stood in my living room while praising God and asking for his supreme control of my life.  I realize for me this will be an ongoing moment by moment task.  I decided in order to stay on track I would keep Him ever before my eyes, especially when I am tempted to take control back.

Have you ever totally let go and dropped the reins?  To me it feels like what I think falling off a cliff must be.  It is a very strange sensation but I am trusting God that everything will work out for me.  He is my protection.

So can you let go?  Can you commit to taking off your shoes and while standing on holy ground praise Him?  I think that the outcome will be better than we could imagine.  Try it with me.  If you are reading and willing to give yourself over to His holiness and total control, please write back and tell me now you feel and blessings for obedience.  I'd love to hear  how it is working in your life.

Lord, it is so hard to let go, really let go and give everything over to you.  I am making the declaration to worship your holiness, trusting in You for guidance, provision, protection and most of all peace.  Amen

So while standing on the cliff edge I slip off my hiking boots and socks.  I wiggle my toes and then stand up to proclaim the Lord's goodness.  I give Him me and everything that entails.  I trust that for the next 322 days of this 'broken' journey and in to the days beyond He will be guiding me. May I truley come to know Him even deeper as my passion soars like the eagles.

Day 42 - Take off your shoes

I have to admit that I'm stealing the theme of today's message at church. The actual title was, "Who's in Charge."  The segment I liked best was about removing your shoes as an act of submission to the totality of God, a surrender to let Him control everything.  For someone like me that has struggled with being in charge most of my adult life, I had mixed emotions.  It was very certain that I want to be found obedient to God but he concept of total loss of control was daunting.

How about you?  If you control or try and control your enviornment, is it working for you?  Or are you stressed out most of the time?  If you don't control people and situations is the thought of never doing so okay with you?  I think for most all of us we are in one camp or the other.

Lord, I want you to have the supreme reins of my life.  I know you have my best interest in mind and that the problems usually arise when I get in the way.  Help me and my readers to relinquish everything over to you.  There is a holy freedom that brings us peace that this world can't give.  We long for it and the joy too.  Amen

So my mountain resembles what Moses must have faced when he heard God speak from the burning bush asking him to remove his sandals because he was standing on Holy ground.  I have submitted this entire 365 day journey to God to take me where He wants and do with me what He needs to accomplish healing only He can bring.   I am commited to the process and looking forward to victory in my life.  I know He can do it for you too but the journey for all of us starts with the first step.

Day 41 - The Love of a Mother

The last 24 hours have been very difficult for me.  In my journey of 'broken' I never suspected that in order to heal a specific area of my life it would come through some adversity to another.  That other person is the most wonderful mother I have ever known.  I just wish she had been mine.

My Aunt Dee Dee, Delores her given name, is my fathers sister.  She took care of me when I was very young and was a pivotal part of my life.  When it came to being strong, loving, and caring she modeled them all in classy elegance.  She never had a bad word to say about anyone and was emotionally stable.  Since I had a very dysfunctional life she was always there to offer guidance, be encouraging, pray, love and help in any way possible.  All the things I wish I had from my own parents but never did.

When my Aunt Dee Dee lost her daughter due to an illness I grieved with her because I was close to my cousin.  I never dreamed I would lose my son and experience the same agony she had.  It was a bond that drew us even closer.  Then when my Aunt was faced with raising her granddaughter I applauded her action even though it had to be tough, parenting again later in life.  I never thought that would happen to me too.  But nine years ago it did and I found even more that we shared in common.  The bonds have gone far from Aunt/Niece.  I truely see her as a mother and wanted her to know how deeply I loved her presence in my life.  This was never anything either of us sought out, it just developed over time and the turmoil of life we shared.  After the fifty plus years I struggled to be good enough, accepted, loved unconditinally with my parents,  I resolved to let God deal with their hearts and move forward with people who did validate my existence.

So when I got the call last night that she had suffered a stroke but was in the hospital I immediately went to the Lord and asked for a special touch from Jesus.  I am so far away so I sent a message to her via my cousin, her son.  I regret that I let busy days keep me from calling more often.  I pray that she will recover enough to go home and that I will be able to resume our relationship.  After the death of my son and now this illness of my dear Aunt I am even more convinced that we need to take time to strenghten our basic relationships.  It is never good to be "too busy" in life.  We must find time to stop and stay in touch with those we love.

Lord, I trust in your omnipresence.  I know that You are there to minister healing in my Aunts hospital room as you are here with me healing past wounds.  I thank you  for all the years you held me, loved me, and watched over me, till I could recognize the maternal bonds you provided in my life in this Aunt.  I was never alone and through it all you were ever with me.  Amen

So as I take this steep climb to the unsuspected ledge I marvel at the beauty around me.  I place my Aunt in your safe keeping and ask favor and grace for her in the power of the Holy Spirit.  I take a minute to bow my head, say a prayer and find your peace in my heart.

Day 40 - Children

I really love my children and grandchildren.  They are so very important to me.  I don't get to see them as much as I'd like.  Today I had a call from my son and then a text from my one of my daughters.  I got to see sonogram pictures of the new grandbaby to be born early next year.  Life and the process if so cool.  You can't say there is no God when you see a baby in the womb.  It is especially neat when my children have parenting questions or stories because it reminds me so much of each one of them.  Their children are really little versions of who they were long ago when they can't remember.

It got me to thinking.  In the Bible where God says we are to approach Him as children I used to think that was because children are so curious and easy to reason with because they generally take everything as exactly the way it is presented.  Not alot of questions and what fors, or whys.  It seems like as we age we get less dependent on Him and more about doing our own thing.  While we as earthly parents applaud this "growing up" and "maturing" in our children it really goes contrary to how the Lord wants us to behave with Him.

So I thought that a big part of my healing in all areas 'broken' will center on how child-like I can present myself to God.  Stripping away the preconceived ideas of how it oughta be and the way it will be so that I just hear and obey.  It is going to be a huge key to my freedom I'm sure.

Lord I want to be the child you created me to be even though I am housed in an adult earthly body.  Since my Spirit has no age I ask that you rejuvenate me from the child base and give me the healthy curiosity and longing for more of You.  Amen

So as I climb this mountain called healing,with one foot in front of the other, I am looking to refresh my inner child and long for her to come out and play.  I can't wait for how God will take her, heal her and then watch it manifest in me.

Day 39 - Tests

Well home from Vegas and to the doctor I went.  I had two tests today and I should have results in the next few days on one and in a week on the other.  It is crazy to have to undergo exams to try and find out what is bothering you.  I really am not fond of going to the doctor and even less when it comes to hospitals.  I guess I should be relieved that we have such modern and technology driven medical exploration.  I just hate to have anything wrong and am a big worry wart if there needs to be anything done.

That leads me to question, Why am I worrying before I even have the results?  I think it is because the unknown is a mystery and the mind likes to conjur up the worst case scenario.  For me it is ridding myself of the tendency to be a hypochondriac.  My mother is now and was all my life a master at this.  She fretted over everything and I saw many years ago the same thing happening to me.  I vowed to never be like her and especially in this debilitating condition.  But alas, I have become her in more ways that I want to admit.  But I am fighting this hysterical fretting when it comes to medical issues.

So even though I did not enjoy the two visits today, I am thankful that I have doctors to care for me.  I am trusting in God to be the overseer of my health and physician hands to assist if needed.

Lord it is amazing that we have modern medical technology and skilled physicians that can be your hands extended to heal.  Praise you that I have all I need in You.  Amen

So onward I go asking God to be the master of my life and my protector.  As He is healing areas of my life I am taking this opportunity to lean into Him to lift worry from me

Day 38 - Defining Yourself

This blog is coming at you early.  It is 12:15am in Las Vegas and I am about to retire for the night before an early call to get to the airport for my flight home tomorrow.  As nice as the business event has been I am more than ready to get home.  One key thing has stood out to me this week being around my peers.  How do we define ourselves?

In my profession it is easy because I have a resume that helps list my employment and accomplishments.  I know the value I bring to dental offices and I am respected amongst my peers.

However in life it can be a bit more challenging.  Especially if you have been a 'broken' individual. While I struggle still with areas of my life that God needs to touch I find it difficult to define me.  How about you?  Do you define yourself based on your marital status?  How about children or grandchildren?  Character traits?  I could go on but I think you get the idea.  Many different ways to define us.

I think the real problem comes when we can't see the way God defines us.  This is crfitical when we move forward healed.  Our ability to help others will stem from a clear definition of who we are.

Lord, may we each grow fully into the exact definition you have designed for us.  As you heal our 'broken' places can we step out in the light of your vision for our lives letting the Holy Spirit guide us into a representation of your likeness.  Amen

So as I wind myself up on the mountain trail I am getting more eager than ever to tackle some issues because I know how God sees me and I want to start walking in that too.

Day 37 - Special People

Good Morning to my readers.

It is a very pretty day here in Vegas, the sunny has just peeked over the mountains and the sky is cloudless.  It is going to be another day of meetings and dine arounds before I get ready to come home tomorrow.  Of course these hotels have a sea of people in them at all hours of the day and night.  But today a special person will be here and sure to cause some buzz and attract some press.  Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's running mate Paul Ryan will be in this very hotel.

Many people I am sure that both support and do not support him will be hanging out in an attempt to catch a glimpse of him.  Maybe some will want their picture taken with him.  Some may get a chance at a photo opportunity.  But never the less there will be at lot more acctivity than a normal casino day.

It got me to thinking.  Just a few days ago Paul Ryan could go about anywhere and not draw a huge crowd.  But just get picked by a Presidential candidate and your life changes forever.  The media is all over you, digging into your past, your family, even staking out your home.  Not the lifestyle that many people would embrace but some crave.

So how about Jesus.  As a child and growing young man he was just one of the gang, nothing exceptional.  Or so we thought.  Then he enters into his "profession" and the world stalks him, followers crave to spend time with him, day and night.  He attracts the attention of leaders and many write about his activities.

I'll be honest, if I lived in Jesus time I would have liked to rub shoulders with him.  Had cameras been invented I would have loved a picture with him.  Who wouldn't?  But here lies the challenge.  Each of us must choose who we want to "be seen" with, supporting, admiring.

Lord I thank you that you decide who becomes elevated in status and that people are allowed to choose those that they want to look up to.  I thank you that for everyone You desire a fellowhsip and hero status.  You have so much to offer us that we are not even aware of that can be  life giving.  Amen

So onward I move along a path that has me traversing some smooth places and some rough patches.  My focus is on You and I'm constantly praising and singing of the goodness of Christ in my life.

Day 36 - Prophetic

It was exciting to dive into a great book while I was flying to Las Vegas.  Yesterday at church we had an awesome message about not being fearful of the prophetic.  Since I was raised in a pentecostal church the prophetic, like other manifestations of the Spirit, are not foreign to me.  I was thrilled to hear that our church would be having impartation sessions.  The sad thing, it was going on while I was in Vegas.  Bummer!

So I determined that even though I was in Vegas for business I could find plenty of time to pray and seek God for a "word in season."  Part of my time in prayer today is asking God about a ministry my husband Ken and I are thinking about beginning.  I told Ken that we would compare ideas when I get home and then step out as we feel God leading us.

It can be scary starting a new venture but when you know that God is on the adventure with you, it is a great support system.  The neat thing, this new ministry idea, has so much to do with 'broken' people.  Go figure.  Just like God to have me involved with something I am in a current study of so I can put things I'm learning to the test.

How about you?  Have you ever felt like you needed to do something but were scared or hesitant to begin?  It is just like us to want the whole charted course before we beign.  That way we can plan for dangerous areas.  Kinda like climbing a mountain.  If you knew the steep areas and any narrow paths you could mentally be prepared.

But I have found doing much of anything substantial for the Lord, you fly blind.  He requires that we are leaning totally on Him.  We are not doing anything in our own strength.  I never forget Indiana Jones in the movie where he had to traverse a gorge and there was nothing else to do but take a step into thin air.  Of course a step appeared and he was able to cross.  But it was in faith he took that first step and then the next and the next.
   
Lord, I commit the inception of this ministry to you.  I will follow where you lead and do what you what accomplished.  Please infuse me with your ideas and the power of the Holy Spirit to make it a major transformation in people's lives.  Amen

So as I am walking along it is wonderful to have a huge goal in front of me.  I have plenty of time to gather ideas while the Lord is doing a complete healing in my life in regards to 'broken.'  Having something that helps define your purpose sure puts a pep in your step.

Day 35 - Restoration

Finishing Nehemiah this morning before heading to church and then the airport. I came across a 'fit of carnality' that Nehemiah had with the children of Israel.  They were well into the rebuilding but trouble was rampant.  I'll quote a statement from Jack Hayfords book "Rebuilding the Real You."  He mentions "the goal of God's restoration programs will always be to beget responsible self-government instead of slothful self-indulgence."

Nehemiah was angry and God gets angry but the ultimate outcome is for the good of the person or people involved.  It is important to remember, too, God is not vindictive but will always confront evil.  He wants to restore us because He loves us.

So today I am headed on a business trip to Las Vegas.  I've been there, done that a few times as a sightseer.  I've expereinced the massive hotels, been to Hoover Dam and seen some great shows.  I have done everything 'wholesome' there is to do in that city.  It did not get it's nickname 'sin city' for no reason.  There is plenty of bad to go around.  I'm sure I will be elbow to elbow with people that are so excited to be there and partake in the feast of unbridled pleasures.  For me it is an endurance thing.  I am there for the business meeting and don't plan on leaving the hotel till I fly home. 

Lord, help me to be a radiant light as I go to this business trip.  No matter where I am may your love and passion for people always be something that is reflected in me.  Help me to help others.  Let me see into the 'broken' places in peoples lives and touch them with your healing.  Amen

So moving along the path I encounter hostile creatures.  Snakes in front of me heading away, one for a pool of water where some are swimming and one heading toward a campsite.  I look for a weapon to snuff out the life of these venemous reptiles.  I warn the swimmers to exit the pool and caution them check their sleeping quarters.  Then I wake up.  I realize I've just had a bad dream or was it?  Maybe it is God telling me that when I encounter evil before me running away from me toward others I am to be His voice warning them to be on the lookout and to also be watching myself, ready to attack if needed.

Day 34 - Fit of Carnality

Friends were over tonight and we watched an older video of Jesse Duplantis entitled, "A Fit of Carnality."  The message, woven in with true account stories delivered in hilarious fashion, was rather simple.  If you do not hold firm to sound words (salvation words/profession of faith) then the flesh is sure to be subject to "fits" on a daily basis.  For most it is seen in bouts of anger when the the soul takes control.  The discipline is to be in faith, consecrated to being who and what God says we are so that our body is overlaid by the cross of Jesus.

How many times have you been going along and then out of no where you get in an attitude quite unbecoming?  You can bet that it only takes a minute and one episode for you to lose it and have others watching.  "Hypocrite," they say.  You may have been trying to show someone where true blessed joy and peace come from and then, BAM!  You lose it.

I have had that happen on too many occasions to even remember them all.  Seems to happen several times a week.  It doesn't mean I don't love the Lord and praise Him for my life.  It just means that no good thing comes from my flesh and if not held in check it will run me.

Think about the last "fit" you had.  Were you alone or was someong else involved or overheard?  Did you feel miserable afterwards or did it even phase you at all?

Lord, I know it is the desire of my heart and that of my readers to want to please you in all things and to live a victorious life.  Keeping and holding firm to sound words, faith words is the key.  Thank you for sending the Holy Spirit to be our thermometer.  When we are starting to reach the boiling point may we listen to the inner voice and then heed it.  Amen

I think it is common for the enemy to want to make a run at you when you are finished worshiping.  There is no better time to make you slip up and then throw condemnation on you.  But I am so glad that I know that my Savior is not the accuser.  Praise God that even when I mess up there is grace to help me begin again.

So as I keep making the trek I want to use this time to fortify my faith words.  As He is healing 'broken' places he is also turbo charging  my positive profession.  I'm feeling the difference already.

Day 33 - Describe Yourself

Have you ever taken a personality test?  Have you ever had to rate yourself on a job performance evaluation?  How about thinking ahead for those five and ten year goals?  Better yet what if someone said, "Please describe yourself to us?"

Well I have taken personality tests and I guess there is something to them.  I can see places that are very accurate and then a few that fail to hit the mark.  I have worked long enough to have done my share of performance evaluations too.  I have yet to sit for interview that I don't get the question, "Where do you see yourself in five or ten years?"  The idea of describing myself seems that hardest of all.

So why is describing yourself so hard.  God seems to know and repeats it over and over again in the Bible.  Countless adjectives and labels of who we are and what we mean to Him.  Yet what is the first thing that comes out of your mouth when you begin to describe.  Is it how you look, what your job is, your position in the family and how many members there are?  What about strengths and weaknesses?  Which do you start with or do you even talk about weaknesses?

Taking time to pray about this it dawned on me that if all we ever did was repeat what God says about us then we could actually get our soul to line up with our spirit.  Here are a few to get you started.  See how many others you can find in the Word and then start verbally speaking these over  yourself.

I am a Child of God (Romans 8:16)
I am a New Creature (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am an Heir of Eternal Life (1 John 5:11,12)
I am Healed by His Stripes (1 Peter 2:24)
I am the Light of the World (Matthew 5:14)

Lord help all of us to dig out of Your Word all the descriptions about who we are.  Beyond the bounds of this world we have a eternal heavenly home.  There we will all know who we are and whose we are.  Amen

So for me on this path another moment to stop and praise Him.  His goodness is overwhelming at times.  The higher I go the smaller my problems look.  The air is fresh, the sun is warm and the SON is inviting.

Day 32 - Perspective

Wow,  today was busy.  Work, then home for errands, another evening appointment and then home for housework.  Now it is blog time.

I got up early this morning and was reading in the Psalms.  It truly amazes me how much God speaks to us.  It is really a matter of perspective on how each person takes away from the Bible what is needed to sustain life.  This book is so incredible because of how versatile it is for everyone.  No matter if you are on a tremendous high or a devastating low, all the help, encouragement, power, support, etc. is here.  So it is really up to each of us to appropriate what we read and then apply it.

I was recounting to my friend today some of the stories I lived through with my four teenage children when I was a single parent.  It was hard and at times seemed impossible to bear but I survived and my children are well adjusted adults today.  It is just so hard when you are in the fire or eye of a storm to see that help is all around.  I talk to many who are dealing with stuff in their life and they feel hopeless, lost, alone, confused.  It causes me to remember my own bouts with turmoil and how I got through.  It was perspective.  When everything looked at its worst God was actually closer than I knew.  It was my perspective that made me dig in and keep going when screaming in my ear was, "Give Up!"

So where are you?  If you are struggling, He's there.  If you are rejoicing, He's there.  If life is mundane, He's there.  And we have at our fingertips His love letters, instruction manual, road map and therapeutic guide.

Lord, can we all be quick to run to your Word for our help.  May we read of friends that have journeyed through everything we face and made it.  We have to look no further than the Bible for all the answers.  Thank you for preserving history for us.   Amen

As I'm sitting here rejoicing and now reminiscing I am in awe yet again.  God is my completeness.  He's been a loving father I never had, a husband when I was alone and is now my reigning King.  How can it get any better.

Day 31 - Legacy

Do you have any idea how people will speak about you when your time on earth is over?  Are you taking steps now to ensure that you leave behind a legacy for your family and friends to remember you?  In our hurried life it is not something that many people think about yet it is important.

I had time to think on this today when I was driving from my job to home.  It is no surprise that my family is always on my mind.  If I had more disposable income I would shower my children and grandchidren with enough money so that they don't ever have to struggle.  I know the driving force behind me wanting to spare them struggle is because I did enough for all of them combined.  For many years I was a single parent raising four children.  It was tough and my living conditions at times went from fair to poor.  I had to tell my children no so much it was pathetic.  I grieved over the inability to be what I thought of as a proper parent.  I wanted my children to know how much I loved them yet I felt helpless to make it any better.  Then the Lord told me something that rang in my head.  "If you provide everything they need and they never feel hardship they will never learn to rely on me".  Wow, a heavenly rebuke.  I had made it so that when times got tough they turned to me first, usually, instead of to God.  Oops.

My focus is a bit different now.  I still help as much as I can but I am quicker to point them to where their help comes from.  I want them to learn to lean on Jesus as much as I have had them lean on me.  I turned some really bad times around by God's favor and good old hard work.  Nothing happened overnight.  It was "keep on keeping on" and persevering even when things looked bleak.  I thank those that reached out to help me and saw them as angels God used to help get me back on track.

Today my children are all making their own impact in the world and they are providing for their families.  I am very proud of each of them.  As the grand children grow up I am loving my time to be with each of them.

So I want what is remembered about me to be a knowing that I would give the shirt off my back, pray without ceasing and always have an ear to hear and discernment to give wise counsel.  I enjoy a profession that has been my focus for over thrity years and I am still reaching to be even more.  That's it.  God, Family, Job.  Pretty much sums up my life and legacy.

Lord, please find something that all my readers can focus on as the legacy they want to be remembered for in their life.  Help us to stay pointed toward you and full of praise and adoration.  Amen

Hiking along I think it is time to sit a spell and praise Him.  He is so good and worthy of all of me.  May my legacy forever be first and foremost that I was a Christian woman covered in grace.

Day 30 - Passion

Do you have a passion?  Is there anything that excites you?  How about moves you to tears or action?  For years I not only didn't have passion but I was so shy it was terrible.  In elementary school all the way through high school I was very shy and often times didn't see myself in any positive light.

From earlier blogs I have mentioned my early childhood and the precarious position I was in as the oldest child and an unwanted one at that.  I have two younger brothers and the sun rises and sets with both of them in the eyes of my parents.  Since I grew up with a perfectionist father who was very stern I never heard postive words of affirmation let alone experience love.  So it was not wonder that as a child I was shy and never voiced any opinion, keeping to myself and dreaming of what might be.

For those of you that know me I am far from shy now.  I enjoy speaking and even more enjoy standing up for what I believe.  I am always there for the underdog and I do not allow anyone to get me told.  I have worked in the profession of dentistry for over thirty years and my resume is full of just about everything you can do in my career field except the position of dentist.  I love to write, read, scrapbook and spend quality time with my grandchildren.  All of these things are passions for me.

My problem is that sometimes it is hard to harness the energy and passion.  I can get so wrapped up in doing that I fail to enjoy being.  Kinda like Martha and Mary in the Bible.  I am definitely a Martha.  I have to watch that I temper the words I speak, prioritize my days while always being life giving and positive. Finding time to sit with Jesus would be awesome instead of making sure I have His back, lol.

How about you?  Could you say with certainty that passion fuels you to be your best?  Do you think of others and handle situations with dignity and respect or are you a resounding gong?  How about your priorities and is there a balance toyour life?

Lord, as we journey through life I applaud the people with passions and fortitude to set goals and acheive them.  Allow each of us to mentor others to be the best they can be.  May we reach those that seems sidelined and bring them encouragement to go after a passion in life.  May our first passion always be for You.  Amen

So as I'm pushing onward I look back at the young shy girl that was afraid of just about everything and I give glory to God that He overshadowed the hard years and brought forth who I am today.  I may not be perfect, thank God, but I am passionate and love encouraging others to be all they want to be.

Day 29 - Love Yourself

I heard an interesting thing today.  If God loves you and I love you then why do you find it hard to love yourself?  How true it is.  Very few people can honestly say they love themselves.  We are a people full of comparison, critical observations and loathing.  It seems that even commercials are  always pointing to a lack of sufficiency and imperfections.  I hardly ever hear someone state how pleased they are in themselves.  Even the person that seems to have it all and is put together great can always point to something they wish would improve.

Why is it?  Besides the fact that many of us struggle with being 'broken' in terms of contentment there are few that lavish in the love God has so graciously given to us.  In my estimation that can be the most 'broken' a person can be.  It must grieve the Lord so much when He hears us complaining about our lack of, wish could be, I'd rathers.

Lord, help us to always check our mouths before we dish on your handiwork which is our own individuality.  May we all embrace who we are and how perfectly you love us.  The best gift we can give you is loving ourselves.  Truely loving.  Amen

I continue moving along the path, taking in the beauty of nature.  Then I realize that in the midst of all this spectacular  and breath taking splendor stands the most beautiful creature of all.   Me.  Thank you God for helping me to love myself even when I don't feel like it.  I love because you first loved me.  It is how I honor you as Lord of my life.  

Day 28 - Discernment please

I have to admit that in the past I struggled with hypocondrism.  My mother was the queen when it came to excessive worrry and fear about every ache and pain.  I have leaned on God to help me not have this rule my life.  So just before I started this 'broken' blog I experienced an unsettling feeling in my chest.  I was determined that it would "go away" but here I am about 6 weeks later and it is still a nagging issue.  So much so that this week I will be calling the doctor to see what is going on.

Keeping it real I have had a few bouts of fear and worry press in on me.  I had a cardiology appt six months ago and was told I have a strong heart and slight palpatations I was experiencing were nothing to be concerned about.  So I'm headed to my GP and see if they can determine the issue or if I'll need to visit the cardiologist again.  Brother, what a hassel.  I don't have time to make alot of appointments.  I am not comfortable in the doctors office anyway so it is just a bit unnerving.

How about you?  When the body talks to you and it is obvious that something is wrong how do you react?  Are you calm?  Do you fret?  Do you run to God for discerment and healing or is the first reaction to call the physician?

I've done all the above.  So this time around I'm trying very hard to be comfortable in how God leads me.  Hopefully it is  nothing severe.  No matter what my doctor tells me, my great physician is always consulted first and with me constantly.

Lord, help my readers and myself when it comes to worry, fret, dread, fear when it comes to health, finances, employment, etc.  Help us to be in constant connection with you and listening to your discernment.  Amen

So stay tuned.  As I climb the mountain it looks like I have a slight detour ahead.

Day 27 - Looking Up

My readers, how many of you have struggled with seeking help when you face something you can't handle?  I think it is a very human problem to ask for help.  Many want to be able to tackle everything life throws at them.  I don't think I am alone in this.  Seems the longer I live the more apt I am to seek help, though.

I want to encourage my younger readers to learn  the skill of relinquishing.  Since we know that we need each other to get through life than it stands to reason that we will need God  more than we realize.  He loves it when we are dependent on Him.  So we are going to be at our best, enjoying what we are meant to be when we fall into a complete dependence on Him.

In my life this was not always the case.  During some difficult years in the 90's I was totally running my life.  I thought I had the world be the tail and didn't need help.  I had just come out of a marriage that left me feeling beaten down.  I was ready to take charge.  After two years of doing my own thing it was no wonder that a jolt would be what it would take to get me back on track.  My son's death was a pivitol point in my life turning around.

So looking up is a posture that I keep ever before me.  I may not always do everything correctly but I have my life in the hands of the One that is perfectly in love with me.  That feels great.

Lord, help me and my readers to completely depend on you for everything and every decision in our lives.  Help us to step outside ourselves and see life through Your eyes.   Amen

So looking up I keep moving.  I know that as I move higher the climb will be met with 'broken' events that will only be healed because I am dependent on Him.  Knowing that He is in control fills my heart with joy.

Day 26 - Tired but pressing on

This has been a very busy week at work and in my prayer time with the Lord.  I realize that more things seem to be 'broken' than I thought.  I wish I could say that I sense some early healing, but not the case.  It seems that with uncovered 'broken' areas has come more deep searching of my soul.  In my mind, will and emotions I am stuggling with how to appropriate the goodness of the Lord.

I also have been feeling a really low level of energy.  In my physical body I am tired.  I wonder if  part of it can be a spiritual attack.  No matter what it is I need to garner all the strength I can so I can go the distance.

Lord, please allow me to take your words of wisodm and apply them liberally to my life.  I long to rest in you.  Amen

So today is going to be an easy day up the trail.  I want to savor everything about this time.  I don't know what is ahead of me but without a doubt trusting God to guide me along is huge.

Day 25 - Content

Writing yesterday about being uneasy was hard for me.  I never want to be seen as someone who is discontent.  The Bible even tells us to be content wherein we find ourselves. So trying to find contentment in all the areas of my life is a challenge. Some days are easier than others and I am sure that many of you know exactly what I mean.  You can be sailing through life, days moving into months and then all of a sudden you experience being discontent.  I pray that for everyone that has times of difficulty the peace of God can fill your heart and over ride the wavering that ebbs and flows from time to time.

I value the wonderful life I have and know each of my readers do as well.  It comes down to counting our many blessings. Even the most 'broken' individual can find the silver lining if we just seek it out.  There maybe events and situations that cause us uneasy, discontent and sometimes anger.  The biggest challenge in maturity of the spirit is seeking the silver lining and holding on for dear life.

Lord, as we walk through life with struggles and elation help each of us to realize that the lowest times are really when we are closer to You than we think.  Uneasy and discontent are just lower marks on our barometer.  We give to you our entire lives and know you are with us, everywhere everyday.  Amen

My rest along the path has proved great.  I have sought the Lord about questions and He instills in my heart that in His time answers will be forth coming.  Even if I never find out till I reach Heaven it will be more than alright because I trust God.    Trust is the huge key to not only growing but also allowing the healer access to the 'broken' places that need His touch.  I see myself reaching out to stand up and imagine the Lord on this path helping me stand.  Together we are going onward.  I know He's got by back.  

Day 24 - Uneasy

So talkng trust yesterday and then today in prayer time I am uneasy.  Ever had one of those days?  Feeling uneasy and really can't focus on why?  Well that's great to know I am not alone.  I hunkered in for focus in my prayers and admitted to God, I want to change something. 

One of the things my husband and I differ on is that he is steady as a rock and change to him is not a comfortable situtaion.  I on the other hand am constantly looking to change something.  At first I thought it was a trust issue and every time I felt a squeeze to model a behavior or be molded I would wanna change something.  Then I realized it had little to do with trust and more to do with satisfaction.  I am the first to be appreciative for everything I have because it has taken my entire life to work out some rough spots.  But, for example, it seems that the longer I live in my house the more I want to move, I love my job but I'm always reaching for more or upward mobility.  I used to just move furntiure around and that was a fix in my home.   One career field for over thirty years sounds stable but within that amount of time I lost count of all the differet facets of work I have done. 

Today is one of those days.  I am fidgety and frustrated.  So I offer to the Lord my gypsy heart and ask, "What am I supposed to hear and how am I to get over this?"  I am still waiting on an answer.  The heavens are quiet.  So I pray some more.

If you find yourself doing this, running on a hamster wheel but not getting anywhere, feeling like you wanna do something but can't identify what that would be, hang in there.  I am determined to get an answer.  I am gonna share it when I hear.  But for now, hold on where you are.

Lord, please help my readers and myself with the answer to our delimea.  Being unsettled in our spirit is uncomfortable.  Please Holy Spirit shine the light on what we need and how to appropriate the solution.  Amen

Trekking along its time for a siesta while I wait to hear.  The higher I go the better I see.  Hopefully my hearing will become heightened as well.