Day 171 - Paul

Today is always a hard day for me.  It is about 9:30pm and I remember thirty-eight years ago tonight.  I was delivering my first child, a boy, a big boy 9lbs. 11ozs.  It was a difficult birth but that was replaced with joy when I saw this baby.  He was my son.  I named him Paul.

I have often reflected what Abraham must have felt like when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac.  Luckily he didn't have to follow through but he was willing. What did Mary feel when she watched her son, Jesus, carry a cross to a hill called Calvary where he would be a sacrifice?  Her pain had to be tremendous.

I have often felt this since my son died.  I know the grief of losing a child you have loved, raised and one you had such hopes and dreams for in their future.

Each year I remember his birthday and his death date.  I strive to make his life have meaning and my experience also for others in my shoes.

Lord, it was a joy to celebrate your birthday yesterday.  Birthdays are so festive, until......
Even though the one I remember today is shadowed in sorrow I give you thanks for giving Paul to me for the years I did have him.  I will never forget the wonderful things he brought to my life and the memories we shared.  Amen

........So as I was about to run and save this woman from death I saw a fascinating thing happen.  She took all the pictures in her hands and one by one tucked them into a tube.  She took the tube and gently rolled it down the mountain.  She then dropped to her knees and prayed, "Father I am your daughter and today I kneel here to die to myself.  I am nothing without you and I am everything with you.  I love my children and grandchildren but realize I am a huge stumbling block of interference if I hold onto to them.  So as an act of release I have set them free.  I ask for you to gather them unto yourself.  Watch over them, guide them, give them wisdom and show them all how to love like You.  For everything I was to them which they loved may it burn bright and for everything I was which brought pain or despair may You erase from their hearts.  I ask you to kill in me and in them any evil or wicked way which stands to ruin their future.  Amen"

She then stood up and sang "Think of me everyday, hold tight to what I say and I'll be close to you even from far away.  Know that where ever you are it is never to far if you think of me I'll be with you."

I reached up and wiped the tears from my eyes.  When I was able to focus I looked and she was gone.  Where could she have gone?  I didn't hear her walk away.  I reached in my pack for a tissue.  I had felt deeply compassionate for this woman.

I decided to journey on and if I met her on the path I would introduce myself.  She would make a very special friend cause she was so much like me.