Day 199 - Steeper Still

Well today turned out better about mid-day.  I will not lie, the morning was difficult.  I had my devotional and prayer time followed by some intense feelings.  I couldn't even put words to what I felt. It was hazy and depressing.  I was determined to push through though and continue working at what I had before me.

I was intent on not letting my feelings control my actions.  I was going to keep going despite the scream in my soul saying stop, give up, chunk it all.  I pushed aside the negative and immersed myself in praise and worship.  I let the sounds from my song purge the negativity.  After a brief running out to do some errands I returned to my work with new fervor.

Lord, thank you for allowing me to sing praises to You because today it is born out of a lostness, blurry and scary place.  It was more than a sacrifice it was desperation.  I love having You with me and not only holding me up but breathing into my spirit.  Amen

So as I moved upward it became increasingly darker. I had some regret, misery and anger arising.  I couldn't determine where it was coming from.  I thought about Matthew 4:1 where it states, "Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil."

I was not only in the clouds and the misty vapor around me making my vision blurry but it was becoming night.  The sun was gone and within a few minutes I could feel the darkness walling me in on all sides.  I could easily fall from this mountain if the next step was over the edge.  I didn't know what was ahead of me.

"Lead up by the Spirit" caused me to reflect on where I was.  This steep incline was not only challenging physically but presented another element, fear.  I knew fear was nothing the Lord was speaking to my heart but instead was the enemy trying to gain access.  I knew this was where my negative emotions were centered.  It was time to tackle them head-on, in this moment and in this place.

I slowly knelt down and saw the path was only as wide as my foot.  To both sides there were rocks, small and large.  There was no vegetation, not a twig or vine in sight.  I knew in this very moment there was nothing to do but continue the climb when the light of day reappeared.  Retreat was not an option.

For now though it is worship time.  I bowed my head and starting singing, loud and proud, I was going to worship the Lord God Almighty.  Then at day break it will be time to continue into the unknown knowing I have a power within me which will see me through and give me something to shout about.