Well I didn't expect today to begin with tackling a major 'broken' area of my life but that is exactly what happened. Early this morning while praying my mind drifted to a situation at work. Don't you just hate it when you are trying to read and your mind wanders? Is it because we are so busy? Is it because we are always muti-tasking? When I am praying I like to stay focused on my spiritual dialogue with the Lord. This was no time for my mind to drift to work of all places. But when it happened I was quick to ask the Lord,"Why? Are you trying to show me something?" Yep, you guessed it. The answer was, yes!
I'm going to talk about sandpaper people. If you are asking me what I mean, you probably don't have any or not yet. Sandpaper people are those individuals that rub us the wrong way. The grate against us like nails on a chalkboard. We experience this reaction usually during an initial contact. We meet them and something just sets you crosswise. It can be puzzling why we are reacting in such a manner.
Years ago I had a friend tell me that when this happens to look closely at the person. Often times the very thing in them that sends hairs upright on our skin is something in ourselves we don't like. Ouch! You have got to be kidding. But I have taken to doing this evaluation and sure enough, in a majority or situations it is true. As much as I hate to admit it I see the character flaw in myself reflected in the other person.
Today's mind drifting episode for me was due to this very situation. I am in contact with an individual that rubs me the wrong way, all the time. I am in a very irritating situation with them and it centers around a power struggle. Now I like to see myself as kind, gentle, soft spoken, etc. Deep inside I am that person just like I have a wonderful six-pack of muscles beneath this tummy of fluff. However, cross me and I can resurrect the old carnal man really fast. When I know I am right about something it can make it even worse.
So today I took the prayer time to plead my pitiful case to God about why I am right in this situation. All I heard in return was, "You have a problem with authority." No, not me. I bowed my head, tears welling up in my eyes and admitted, "Yes I do." I wanted to justify my admission of guilt but knew it wasn't necessary. God knows everything about me. Today His finger pointed directly to a tough area of 'broken.' Wow, so much for the past few days of quiet from the throne. I should have guessed something difficult was around the corner.
I had determined years ago after many hardships in my life that I would never be "told" what to do, ever again. I battle with this, daily. Every male figure in my life at one time or another got a chance to point a finger and tell me what to do. There were few times of discussion and choices, only directives and orders. I went from being a shy, introverted doormat to a opinionated, stern task master. There is nothing I like about admitting sin but I know the only way to healing is getting it out in the open and illuminated so it can be dealt with as the Lord chooses.
Lord, help me to submit to you and in the process learn how to submit to authority in a manner that is consistent with your nature. Teach me to know when it is something that truly needs my voice and when I should stay silent. I want to be gentle and humble. I hate battling this. Grow a heart attitude in me that is grateful for leadership and those I should respect in authority positions. Amen
I looked around at the many stones along the mountain path, even the ones I'd gathered. I realized that I couldn't gather them all and carry them with me on this journey. I sat down and along the path edge I offered them all to God as pieces of me. I am confident that the very ugly pieces of 'broken' will be crafted by God into something wonderful. So I laid aside the weight that was entangling me and marked this spot where I relinquished control to the one true authority. I stood up, dusted off my pants and headed onward.
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