It is key to know that the events of this story were told to me by my Aunt. I have chose to forgive both of my parents for feelings, actions, words spoken and attitude. Having grown up, learned about the disfunction and lack of nurture in their upbringing, I knew this played a part in their behavior. I am not excusing them but simply leaving them in the hands of God. I pray for them to know Him as I do and hope that happens before they meet eternity.
As my Aunt stood peering into the nursery window, my father at her side, they were both about to get the first glimpse of me. As the nurse move toward the window with a tightly bundled infant they both leaned forward toward the glass. She repositioned me in her arms and then mouthed to the window, "It's a girl."
"Oh Sh--!, and where did she get that red hair." It was his initial welcome statement as he turned and walked away. My Aunt in disbelief mouthed a "thank-you" to the nurse watching as she placed me in the bassinet. As she turned to leave, my father was nowhere in site.
My parents hadn't planned me. My mother had thought my father was not able to have children due to a sick and twisted joke he played on her just days before they got married. My mother, not needing birth control (or so she thought), continued her studies at college to become a P.E. major. My father worked two jobs and built houses with his brother. The last thing they wanted to hear was that they were expecting. My father had to take on another part time job and my mother changed her major from P.E. to elementary education. They both were not happy with this family expansion and what it had done to both of their dreams for the future.
I wish I could say that after the initial shock was over they both embraced me in love and my childhood was wonderful. Hardly. It was tough. I've never known a loving embrace or approval from either of them. As the years went on and my two younger brothers were born it was even more lopsided. It was very much a family of male acceptance. I was alone in a family of five. I tried for the better part of fifty years to gain some approval, a "I'm proud of you", something. What resonates is all the things I did wrong, should have done, and could have if I'd been a boy.
But God made me. He knew what I would face. He knew the family I was being born into. It took me years to realize that for purposes, some known and others yet unknown, God has a plan to use all of this.
So where are you, my reader? If you had a wonderful beginning and nurturing family I am happy for you. If on the other hand you can relate to a portion of my story I want to offer you my love and hope. Bigger than all the trauma of a spoiled childhood is the ability to reach those that have been hurt. Words, I wish, could cure all wounds but they don't. But the Holy Spirit does. He brings the supreme love of God and not only imparts that but begins to overlay the bad with a warmth that takes the sting out of remembering. I will never forget things in my childhood and neither will you but God is capable of removing the intense feelings that are associated with events.
As I wiped my eyes and stood up from the grass I had a determination in my step. I knew that God was there in the moment of my conception and my birth. Fatherly approval I have always had in a pure form, I was just looking horizontally instead of vertically. I could hear the Lord telling my heart that His love was unconditional. "Stop trying to earn it, just relax into his arms." This journey will get steep at times but everything I am going to need is these arms that are supporting me just like they have my entire life.
Lord, I thank you for being my protector, my strength, and loving Father. Continue your perfect plan for me. Help me to bring healing to others who have felt abandoned, abused, alone. Amen
I took off stepping out of the grassy place and into a sandy soil. There were patches of green here and there but they grew fewer as I approached the rise and a well marked path. I hadn't seen this path from afar off. Guess I needed that first touch from the Lord to direct me to this spot. I glance up at a majestic mountain in front of me. I feel a slight skip beat of my heart. I reach down and pick up a tiny rock. It's really plain and weather beaten with some blemishes in the cracks but turning it over is a smooth, pretty almost shiny side. Kinda feels like me.
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